For the past 21+ years I've been carrying this burden. Shame. The feeling that I'm somehow less worthy than anyone else surrounding me. I remember thinking to myself not long after my move to Cedar Rapids in 1999 what people would think if they "knew." Truth be told my fiancé doesn't know this story. I don't think I told my husband of 7 years.
I was a sophomore-- it was probably 1993. I was super cute. Funny I'm sure. Not necessarily popular but not unpopular either. I dated a few guys but truth be told my dad wouldn't really let me officially date and I definitely wouldn't put out, so even the one boyfriend I adored broke up with me after a few months. I was "dating" another upper class-men... still had my v-card fully intact but was for sure curious about this sex thing. I lost my virginity to this guy I was seeing; not that I really wanted to.... I wouldn't call it rape or date rape even.... I just didn't stop it. I remember almost just wanting to get it (my first time) over with and clearly wasn't educated enough to make a decision about who I gave it away to. So I literally just laid there. And it happened. And then I went home. I'm not sure what I expected after that, but the shit show that followed wasn't anything I could've thought up on my own.
Sheldon High was a small school with probably around 400 people max. 100 in my class. Everyone knew (or thought they knew) everything about everyone. One thing they knew for sure when I went to school that next day was that Chris Jansma took my v-card. And broke up with me. All in the same 24 hours.
I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I didn't really have much of a support group at school. The girls you see... started this mean girl culture early into our freshman year. It all began with a letter. Somehow one girl was "chosen" to be the recipient of a letter which detailed every little thing that was "wrong" with her. Every thing every other girl "hated". The letter was then passed around until every girl in the class had signed it. I remember my letter. For some ungodly reason I saved it... as a twisted form of punishment maybe? I remember taking it out of the shoe box from under my bed and reading it from time to time... as I reminder of who I needed to be to fit in.
So now everyone in the school knew I was A. no longer a virgin and B. dumped very publicly. Everyone looked at me funny. They were whispering. Laughing. Pointing. I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Chris certainly wouldn't talk to me. I don't remember how long after that I bought the large bottle of extra strength Tylenol and gatorade at Pamida, but I know I took every single one of the 500 pills in the bathroom stall at school one day. It was during Spanish and we had a sub. She happened to be my Mom's first cousin. I fully planned to spend the rest of the afternoon in the "green room" ... hiding out and letting the Tylenol float me away to the place where I didn't feel isolated anymore. I remember closing my eyes for a while. My ears started ringing. And then I got scared.
I can't remember what exactly I was scared of but I think it was something as silly as not being able to dance at half time for the upcoming home game. I honestly don't even remember what season it was.
I went to the Spanish class I was supposed to be in and told Kelly... the substitute... Mom's cousin. I don't remember much after that.
I spent a few days in the local hospital; violently throwing up the charcoal they pumped into my stomach to dull the effects of the Tylenol. People were in and out. Mom and Dad were so upset. I disappointed and scared the shit out of them. They brought me to Charter after that- an inpatient psych-type hospital. I think I was there for a few weeks. I just remember a lot of girls there with eating disorders and getting the sweetest card from my brother. I slept a lot. It felt so good to be safe and away from all the judging, bullying kids at school.
But then cheerleading tryouts were coming up- and I couldn't miss that. Mom and Dad convinced the doctors it was vital to my mental health that I make it to those tryouts and to release me early. They must've both had to work because Grandma drove all the way from Lake Park to Sioux Falls to pick me up, then dropped me off in Sheldon before returning to her own home back in Lake Park. I was just in time for the try outs. Again I didn't know what to expect when I got back to school but nothing would prepare me for what I was met with.
Do you remember the cheer: L-E-T-S-G-O... let's go, let's go? The girls there... also prepping for tryouts... made up their own version of that cheer: P-S-Y-C-H-O... psycho, Sarah. They practiced that cheer over and over with me just a few tables away. I'm not sure how I made it through that night. The worst part about it was the leader of the group... April... told her mom how I wasn't at school that day and still tried out for Cheerleading... which without a doctor's note was for sure against the rules. Clearly I had a doctor's excuse but the asshole Athletic Director and the rest of the school leadership didn't care and disqualified me anyway.
If I thought braving school after losing my virginity was a task I had no idea what I was in for after the Tylenol ordeal. Coming out of the lunch line into the commons was a scene from my worst nightmare replayed over and over day after day. I was now known as Psycho Sarah to pretty much everyone in the school. I think I might have spent another stint in Charter because I just couldn't deal.
I remember Nate- who was a year ahead of me- passing me notes. "Don't listen to them, Sarah. I think you're cool." I had one or two girls in my class who were my "secret friends". I promised not to tell anyone so they would be protected from the public ridicule.
Of everyone in that high school I believe Tiffany was my angel. Also a year ahead of me, and a "cool girl" in her grade, she would always invite me along with her friends. They accepted me with open arms and without question or comment. She was in my youth group and was most certainly filled to the brim with the grace of God. My junior year she talked me into working at the local nursing home with her where I began to see my own worth outside of the walls of the school and all the mean people. Tiff was (and still is) the tiniest girl you could ever imagine with a heart the size of an ox. To this day she is my lifeline; my very best friend.
I'm not sure exactly why I feel so compelled to share my story... it comes out so monotone when I type it. I guess I'm just moved so much by all the bullying surrounding me and hope I can help. A beautiful 14 year old Cedar Rapids girl escaped this world just a few weeks ago because she couldn't take the bullying. My sweet little cousin is enduring it as we speak. These minds are so pure they're not meant to process these horrendous acts of hate.
I know we can't change the bullies... but we can all be the Nate's and the Tiffany's and the secret friends of the world. For some reason God saved me from myself and left me on this earth and I just feel like I should tell someone.... maybe help someone.... if we can all just take that step to help one person who is suffering. Maybe we can make a difference.
Please help me make a difference.
