Jonah goes to Maryland

This morning my Jonah bean is getting onto a plane to spend a week in Maryland! I'm so excited for him... and such a hot mess as per usual about him being gone. This time at least I was pro-active enough to have him help me pick up his toys before he left... a job that is heart wrenching to do once he is already gone for even just a weekend stint with his Dad. I have to close the door to his room so it doesn't hurt every time I see it empty. Tears flow freely and quite often. In preparation for him leaving I have gotten to enjoy his presence 8 out of 9 days and it was HEAVEN. We even got to squeeze a snow day in there yesterday :*)

It's been well over a year since I moved out of the house we all lived in- shouldn't it be hurting less by now? I know that I waited far too long to make the decision I did to end my relationship with his father and make us a "broken family"... there was really no salvaging that. But even as I know I did in my heart was was the best for Jonah I can't help but wish it had turned out differently. I have no doubt I will always be plagued by this insurmountable guilt. I remember his mom telling me one day (after The Bad October) how she would always wish her family could just be together and now I know every bit of what she meant. Seeing Jonah missing his Dad hurts me just as much as it does missing him when he's not here. I can't do anything to change it-- but now I know first hand the desire to make your child's heart whole once again and the weight of the responsibility for making such decisions.

Thankfully I know he is in good, loving hands with his father. I never have to worry about his well-being and for that I am thankful. I pray someday the blaming, finger-pointing and name calling will end so Jonah is only surrounded by positivity about either parent when he is away from them. 

Please let us raise this little boy to the very best of our separated abilities.... he deserves the very best we both have to give him.

I love you Jonah Bean. 

Grandma's bread

Jonah is 3.5 and we just celebrated Christmas. I have such a love/hate relationship with that holiday.  It seems it's never really done until it is. You can never do enough baking, shopping, decorating... the work seems to be never ending! Expectations are high and seldom met... 

But on the other hand seeing Jonah's excitement over his presents was pretty amazing. The necklace I got was something I really wanted and will always treasure... our families were so generous and all of the gatherings were just lovely.

While spending Christmas Day with the Dickey family I couldn't help but think constantly of how Christmas was at the Elliott household growing up. Every year "grandma's bread" topped the list of every grandchild. Amazing the magic a family recipe beholds.

In fact every time I experienced Grandma's bread it was while surrounded by a jovial family gathering of sorts. Christmas dinner in Lake Park with Grandma's beautiful Ruby Red table....Thanksgiving in Robbinsdale with Nick and his family... midnight toaster bread in the basement of Lila's house with Jenni and Heidi. It was nothing to consume the entire loaf in one sitting and in fact the only reason you wouldn't was because you were savoring every morsel.

It never dawned on me until Christmas this year the significance of Grandma's bread. I'm so thankful for all the memories surrounding it, and for the woman who created it all.  

I love you Grandma.