Happy pill

I'm not sure why I feel ashamed or embarrassed that I take medication for anxiety/depression... it's actually pretty common. I guess we all want to be "normal" naturally. Well I'm not naturally normal, and actually I'm pretty darn thankful for my little happy pill otherwise known as Zoloft. I went off of it when I found out I was pregnant... I think that, diet soda, and lunchmeat were about the only things I gave up. I ate sushi and drank a glass of wine here or there (gasp!) from the get go. I told people I was following the European standards for a healthy pregnancy ;) Back in February a job in Iowa popped up, and my sales director promptly "blocked" me from being able to even post for it much less interview. Gotta love a high dose of Corporate America in your second trimester. I did not handle that well. I remember bawling and apologizing to baby Jonah at the same time... I was so worried my crazy emotions were going to hurt him. My nurse practitioner encouraged me to start taking Zoloft again, but I refused. Naturally there's not formal research on the topic (no pregnant woman in her right mind would be a guinea pig for such a study) and it's only been around since the 1970's. I told the NP I would rather not, however, I did have a glass of red wine here or there to help me relax. You would've thought I told her I was snorting cocaine!!! She did NOT like that at all. Interestingly enough a pretty extensive study was released just after I gave birth, proving what I and those woman in Europe have never doubted. Nana nana boo boo.

I managed okay without that happy pill until my 6 week post-partum check up. I guess I'm not really as truthful in my blog as I claim to be, because I was feeling absolutely panicky at that point. I would cry about something every. single. day, and didn't realize it was an issue until the weekends when Dustin was home and noticed. The thought of going back to work was absolutely paralyzing me-- I really did feel like I wasn't going to see my baby ever again. I also don't think I was bonding with him as much as I could've been. I can't elaborate more on that because it makes me feel really guilty and angry at myself for waiting so long to realize I needed a little help. After bawling to my physician (no more Nurse Practitioner for me) and a little convincing on her part I believed taking Zoloft while breastfeeding was 100% safe and started it again. I think even making the decision to start taking it gave me relief... I will never forget sitting with Jonah that afternoon feeling like I was seeing him in a different light. I took two videos of him that day :*) 

My point of all this is that I ran out of Zoloft last week- and my refills expired- and I forgot to return the call from my physician on Friday- and I am FEELING it. I feel really irritable and frustrated, and less patient for the silliest things like when Jonah gets distracted while feeding. (It may not help that we cleaned the carpets this weekend and the rocking chair is now in front of a 46" TV-- what boy wouldn't be distracted...) Actually I kind of feel like I have PMS... which could be possible too I suppose. I imagine I'll get a period again SOMEday ;) Thankfully those awful heart thumping feelings of anxiety haven't shown their ugly head, and I will be sure to put Zoloft on the TOP of my list of things to do tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow... I unofficially start my new job!!! Two weeks of home study, then three weeks in New Jersey for training, then home for 3 weeks, then one more week of training in the field with another representative somewhere in the US. That puts us in IoWa the middle of January. I'm not even going to get started on all the emotions involved with this paragraph... that will just have to wait. xx