adventures in breastfeeding

Jonah is nearly 7 months old. In just the past week alone a tooth has broken the skin, he's able to get up on his haunches and rock back and forth, and is eating three meals of "real people food" a day. 

I was so hell bent on breastfeeding him from the get-go Dustin and I spent hours (and I mean HOURS) trying to get him to latch and even doing entire feedings using a curved tipped syringe while Jonah sucked on my finger. I wouldn't give up. I woke up with him every single night for every single feeding (except of course those times when I was out of town for work) because I was scared my supply would tank if I missed a feeding. Formula terrified me. I heard the horror stories and of course believed every one of them without doing an ounce of research. It's not that I judged women who formula fed (okay I'll admit I did judge the women that didn't even try to breast feed) I just didn't want it for my baby.

Then New Jersey happened. I pumped, and I pumped, and I pumped, and thanks to the guy working in the mail room one day my FedEx package didn't go out, so Dustin and Felicia were left without any breast milk to feed my munchkin. This happened to take place on the day of our 5 year wedding anniversary... in my third week of training. Needless to say I had a little meltdown. Well a medium one really. Dustin was angry in his oh-so-protective way. Angry that I did everything I needed to and it was someone else's mistake that screwed it all up. After I got over feeling so devastated  I began to feel... liberated. It dawned on me that it wasn't the worst thing in the world for my six month old to have formula once in a while. I had no idea how to mix it up, but of course Felicia did, and both of us had identical cans of free Similac they had shipped out at home. So Jonah had formula, and mommy had drinks :) 

I will feed him in a car!

We're back to exclusive breast feeding now- mainly because I'm home and it's easy, but Sunday I leave for Mississippi for Field Sales Training, and somehow my stock of frozen milk was 100% depleted this week. I'm over it. After getting home from New Jersey I didn't so much as touch my pump- I'm pretty sure I left my used parts in the ziploc bag. I dreamt my pump grew a tape worm, and the tape worm got under my toe nails...?!? Then I had to drag it to St. Louis for a day while I met with my new boss. He took me to his house where I met his sweet midwestern wife and we sat in the basement and did business planning all morning. It was such an intimate setting I was scared to say anything, but by 1100 my boobs felt like they were going to burst (Jonah's last feeding was at 0430 that morning). I had to excuse myself. As I sat in my new boss' bathroom pumping while he was just a few feet away I decided I'd had enough of the little black bag with a tape worm. My Mississippi training is with another gentleman and it's essentially job shadowing him day in and day out- I just don't want to deal with him waiting for me twice a day while I tend to my mommy business. 

I will feed him from afar!

It's pretty comical when I think of all the little binds my "mommy business" has gotten me into in the past 7 months. One of my first days back to work I was stuck in the OR for hours and hours- they were using my device and I couldn't leave- sure enough after about hour 4 my scrub shirt had two little wet circles on the front and I had to beg the circulating nurse for a jacket to cover up my lactating self. I've pumped (and breastfed) in more public bathrooms than I can count, including an airplane lavatory as it sat on the tarmac for hours. I wasn't the bravest of breastfeeding moms, but did do the duty in a restaurant while waiting for a table. I'm not sure how many hours Dustin and I have put sitting in the car- me in the back seat feeding Jonah and him in the front seat patiently waiting. Today Jonah ate while I sat on the floor of a Macy's fitting room (why they didn't have a chair was beyond me and it was one of those can't-get-the-boob-in-his-mouth-fast-enough kind of moments). 

One of the funniest moments of my whole life was at a bar in New Jersey. After spending 2 weeks with everyone in my training class my secret life of pumping was long out of the bag. Our Sales Development Managers planned a fun day of laser tag followed by a little congregating at a local pub. Good stuff~ except that it meant spending hours upon hours without access to my own car, or room, or the nice little "nurture space" the institute provided. A few beers in to the pub experience I had to go to the bathroom and pump. As I sat there I thought (as I often do) what a waste to dump out perfectly good- and nutritious- breast milk. My dogs weren't there to eagerly lap up my alcohol infested antibodies so I would be left to sadly dump it out. Then it dawned on me. I returned to the table to share my idea with Pai, one of my classmates from Miami, and he was game. I snuck off to the bar and ordered a shot of Bailey's, then back to the black bag to pour the Bailey's into one of my Medela bottles. I handed it to Pai and it seemed as if that yellow cap caught everyone's attention. Pai took the lid off, hesitated for a second and then took it down in one shot. Holy crap I thought people's eyeballs were going to pop right out of their heads. Looks of disbelief, disgust and distaste flooded their little faces, and our teacher got up from his seat and laid down on a bench across the room as if he was exasperated. I was laughing so. freaking. hard. I could barely talk, and only when Sal got up off the bench and began repeating over and over "HE DRANK YOUR BABY'S MILK!" did I fill him in that he had been punked. SO SO SO funny. 

My plan is to continue BFing morning and night, but not to pump anymore during the day. Of course since I'll be gone day and night for the rest of my training I'll still have to drag the damn tape worm infested bag with me, but it won't have to leave my hotel room at least :)

We wish you a Merry Christmas

I sure am thankful Jonah is too little to understand this whole Santa Claus thing. In my youth my parents didn't want to take away from the real meaning of Christmas, so I never believed. "Santa" would fill our stockings in the night, but we always knew who was behind that. This leaves me with no idea how any of this works! Does Santa wrap the presents? Does he get the big gifts or the smaller ones? Do the kids compare notes on which gifts Santa brought?

Needless to say we did not have Jonah's picture taken with Santa this year- although I'll admit I woke up on Christmas Eve in a bit of a panic, feeling like a bad Mom for not taking him. Unfortunately I also woke up with a sore throat and body aches, so we didn't even make it to candlelight service last night :( Poor Jonah got his first snotty nose for his first Christmas. Despite sounding like a COPD'er this morning I am feeling a bit better, so Santa best get a move on before the man in my life gets out of bed ;)

Merry Christmas to all! xx

Catch up...

I love this photo. Felicia sent me this one while I was in NJ... what more could a working mama ask for.

is the name of the game I'm playing. Catch up on life. Catch up on emails and phone calls and laundry... catch up on time. Catch up on fricking housework (cannot wait for the cleaning lady Dustin promised me in Iowa). Now I'm trying to catch up on my blog. I remember my friend Kristin telling me there will come a time when things change so quickly with Jonah it will be hard to keep up. We're officially there! 

In the past few weeks he's discovered his hands. Which is even more adorable than him sucking on his toes believe it or not. He'll be playing with something then suddenly realize his hand is in front of him and look at it as if he just had his nails done. Fricking adorable. 


He had his 6 month appointment on Friday and remains on track as a long and lean little boy... 25th percentile for weight and 75-85th for height.  And 100% perfect I might add. He's also started babbling more than I remember ever hearing a baby babble. "Babababa" and "cacacaca" have taken on a whole new level of importance in our house. And his laughs. Oh my gosh he laughs SO hard. It's like the heavens have opened up and love and life have been poured into my soul. 

I finally found the courage and determination to decorate for Christmas. A special shout out to my mother in law who cannot get enough of Mr. Man, and watched him for the entire day on Friday while I cleaned my house like a crazed woman with a meth addiction. I nested. I embraced Christmas like I've never embraced Christmas before. I had so many fond memories while cleaning and decorating I missed my mom like mad. It was glorious!

Gage and Jonah

This weekend we were blessed with the presence of my brother's family. His little boy and Jonah are just 6 weeks apart. I'm usually so focused on cleaning and whatever else it's hard to relax and enjoy the time with my niece and nephew (Kaide is 3 and Skyler 5). This time around it was great to have Jonah doing tummy time and being able to slow down and enjoy life with the kiddos. Somehow all the other stuff STILL got done ;) 

Tonight while putting Jonah to bed- who was a tad crabby and possibly teething and/or getting his first little cold- I had my first dose of "Christmas magic". I know it sounds a little nuts, but I really felt something that I have never in my life experienced. All the lights were out and he was trying to settle down, and the tiny little Christmas tree in his room was lit up. I felt centered and so very grateful. We have so very much to be thankful for this year. God is so good.

Posting on the fly....

I'm actually typing this on a plane on my way back to New Jersey for week 2 of training for my new job.  It was so good to be home for the weekend although my heart aches just as much as it did last Sunday when I left my boys. Reuniting with Jonah after being away for 5 nights was amazing- I was surprised at my emotions and he was surprised to wake up half way home from the airport and see me in front of him! :D Although there was a moment of panic I actually did have enough pumped milk in the freezer to last through the week and brought another batch home for this week. My company has the nicest "nurture space" complete with a sink, a fridge and magazines for me to do my thing while I'm at the institute. The only part that sucks is when my boobs wake me up in the middle of the night and all I have is a stupid pump to turn to rather than a snuggly little boy. I had some problems falling back asleep after the mid-night pumping sesh at first-- 2 hours of insomnia is not fun when you're sitting in a classroom all day long. Wednesday night Dustin said about flying solo with Jonah: "it's been a lot of work but it's been a lot of fun too".  That coupled with a glass of wine or two made for a full night's sleep... and a full 9 ounces of milk in the morning!

As expected Dustin was amazing and Felicia sent the cutest text messages and pictures every day. We were able to FaceTime every night, Jonah responded so much more compared to my October trip to Chicago.

The moving deal is working itself out... Dustin and I decided NOT to rent out our home in Minnesota and rather wait until March to list it (upon suggestion from our realtor/uncle whom we trust completely). It's going to suck to pay for a home we're not living in, but I would rather do that than rent it at a loss every month and have strangers live in it for a year only to have to deal with it next winter. I feel good about our decision. I found a home for us to rent in Cedar Rapids that has a fenced in yard for "the guys" (our two Puggles that I just realized I don't really talk much about...oopsy) and is close to family-- and just a mile from my best friend and her 14 month old I might add :)  We're going to be stretched thin for a little bit but I know it will be worth it in the end.

Jonah continues to transition into the most adorable little boy ever. He's really good at fighting naps for us on the weekends which makes for really long days. This weekend I said to Dustin: "we need to ask Felicia what she does" and he said she runs the vacuum cleaner.  Of course! Today after about an hour of feeding him and trying to coax him to sleep I laid him down and turned on the blow dryer, and low and behold the little munchkin slept for a few hours! What am I going to do without Felicia. Above everything leaving her and her boys makes me the saddest. Little Dylan is such a softie... I actually shed a few tears on my way home from my final interview knowing I nailed it and that would mean we would be moving away. I've got to think of something really special to do for them before we go.

I'm still carrying around that damn 10 pounds. I took a break from the gym inadvertently-- with the layoffs and interviewing and that laryngitis along with an annoying knee pain and Jonah starting solids meaning dinner time replaced my normal gym time. I just couldn't-- or didn't-- fit it in. After a few visits to PT I'm starting to run again and feel so good about it. It's something I can fit in anywhere, and I'm just committing to 3 days a week. I'll be happy to get into more of a regimen once life settles down a bit, but for now I'm just thankful to be back at it. This weekend I asked Dustin if he thought I would ever get back to my normal self and he replied: "if you want to". What a powerful statement! I do want to!!! Since I'm in sales and goal oriented I wrote down some goals for myself. They're actually pretty easy and attainable:

1. lose 4 lbs/month (about 1 lb/week) which would put me at my pre preg weight by March.

2. continue the couch to 5k program (followed by the 5k to 10k) running 3 days a week

3. limit sweets to 3 bites a day 

Actually I didn't write that third one down but thought of it later and think it deserves a spot on my post it note. The good news is I'm not obsessing about it anymore. Maybe it's the happy pills doing their job, or the fact that I'm running again... whatever it is it feels good to notice someone checking me out and think to myself "I look alright for having a six month old at home". And I'm only going to look better! 

I found out this week the National Sales meeting for my new company is in Puerto Rico.....!!!! I'm so stoked! One thing I learned from my Grandparents Elliott was that life is all about making memories. I love to travel and make memories and fortunately so does Dustin, so no matter how tight money is we will always figure out a way to see the world.  I can't wait to see Jonah in his little Batman swimming suit :D xx

I deserve...

My friend Danielle is so wonderful and wise beyond her years. She is 10 years my junior and we compliment each other so well. She grew up on the East coast and Little Miss Midwest here can learn a LOT from her about how to get what you want when you want it. She's also my fashion expert. One of the many things I love about "us" is my transition into motherhood didn't change or slow down our friendship. Before Jonah we would work out together and spend hours eating sushi. After Jonah we take him in the stroller for a run, or meet for lunch, or go shopping... I feel guilty being so excited to move home when she's right here, and we chatted about it over a drink after shopping yesterday (while Jonah squirmed and ate the tissue paper out of our Express bag). She said "you deserve to be surrounded with people that lead a similar life"... just like she deserves to be surrounded by bar hopping hotties! ;) She's so spot on. Don't get me wrong, I love drinking wine and FaceTiming with my mom, or my best friend in Texas... but that's just not the same as having people here. I will miss her terribly, but I know we have one of those friendships that will conquer the test of time and distance.

SO Jonah~!! At five and a half months he's outgrown most of his 3-6 month clothes. All his long sleeves were too short! On to 9 month outfits! I love being able to walk through the baby section at Target and actually purchase things now. That was something I couldn't wait to do all those months we were trying to get pregnant. I also love picking out his outfits for each day :) I always have to find socks that match whatever he's wearing. OCD that's ME!!! Dustin's mom and sister got him some great little socks, but he's outgrown all of them already... and something I learned the hard way while we were up north last month was that babies need tall socks in the winter. Duh- I know. I spent most of our time hiking holding on to his cold little calves :(

We only tried sweet potatoes a few times...

He's moved on past oatmeal and on to other foods. bananas, avocado, sweet potato, pears and now peas. Adding that little dinner time into our daily routine is SO much fun, however, it's replaced me going to the gym. In fact I haven't been in a good routine since we started him on solids the beginning of October :/ I'm trying not to focus on that. Some day I'll be Supermom. For now I'm prioritizing. First comes Jonah, then Dustin, then work. I haven't found time for Sarah just yet. I guess I could be working out right now, huh....

Happy Birthday Henry!!!

I'm a big proponent of beautiful people reproducing. I'm pleased to announce the arrival of a beautifully crafted little boy, Mr. Henry Norman. He was born to a friend of mine from nursing school on Wednesday November 14th. Henry breathed in some stool during delivery, so his first 10 days will likely be spent in the NICU. My heart is both bursting with excitement and aching for my dear friend. I can't imagine the roller-coaster of emotions (and hormones) she must be feeling right now. Please pray for her and her new little family. xx

Happy pill

I'm not sure why I feel ashamed or embarrassed that I take medication for anxiety/depression... it's actually pretty common. I guess we all want to be "normal" naturally. Well I'm not naturally normal, and actually I'm pretty darn thankful for my little happy pill otherwise known as Zoloft. I went off of it when I found out I was pregnant... I think that, diet soda, and lunchmeat were about the only things I gave up. I ate sushi and drank a glass of wine here or there (gasp!) from the get go. I told people I was following the European standards for a healthy pregnancy ;) Back in February a job in Iowa popped up, and my sales director promptly "blocked" me from being able to even post for it much less interview. Gotta love a high dose of Corporate America in your second trimester. I did not handle that well. I remember bawling and apologizing to baby Jonah at the same time... I was so worried my crazy emotions were going to hurt him. My nurse practitioner encouraged me to start taking Zoloft again, but I refused. Naturally there's not formal research on the topic (no pregnant woman in her right mind would be a guinea pig for such a study) and it's only been around since the 1970's. I told the NP I would rather not, however, I did have a glass of red wine here or there to help me relax. You would've thought I told her I was snorting cocaine!!! She did NOT like that at all. Interestingly enough a pretty extensive study was released just after I gave birth, proving what I and those woman in Europe have never doubted. Nana nana boo boo.

I managed okay without that happy pill until my 6 week post-partum check up. I guess I'm not really as truthful in my blog as I claim to be, because I was feeling absolutely panicky at that point. I would cry about something every. single. day, and didn't realize it was an issue until the weekends when Dustin was home and noticed. The thought of going back to work was absolutely paralyzing me-- I really did feel like I wasn't going to see my baby ever again. I also don't think I was bonding with him as much as I could've been. I can't elaborate more on that because it makes me feel really guilty and angry at myself for waiting so long to realize I needed a little help. After bawling to my physician (no more Nurse Practitioner for me) and a little convincing on her part I believed taking Zoloft while breastfeeding was 100% safe and started it again. I think even making the decision to start taking it gave me relief... I will never forget sitting with Jonah that afternoon feeling like I was seeing him in a different light. I took two videos of him that day :*) 

My point of all this is that I ran out of Zoloft last week- and my refills expired- and I forgot to return the call from my physician on Friday- and I am FEELING it. I feel really irritable and frustrated, and less patient for the silliest things like when Jonah gets distracted while feeding. (It may not help that we cleaned the carpets this weekend and the rocking chair is now in front of a 46" TV-- what boy wouldn't be distracted...) Actually I kind of feel like I have PMS... which could be possible too I suppose. I imagine I'll get a period again SOMEday ;) Thankfully those awful heart thumping feelings of anxiety haven't shown their ugly head, and I will be sure to put Zoloft on the TOP of my list of things to do tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow... I unofficially start my new job!!! Two weeks of home study, then three weeks in New Jersey for training, then home for 3 weeks, then one more week of training in the field with another representative somewhere in the US. That puts us in IoWa the middle of January. I'm not even going to get started on all the emotions involved with this paragraph... that will just have to wait. xx