Jonah goes to Maryland

This morning my Jonah bean is getting onto a plane to spend a week in Maryland! I'm so excited for him... and such a hot mess as per usual about him being gone. This time at least I was pro-active enough to have him help me pick up his toys before he left... a job that is heart wrenching to do once he is already gone for even just a weekend stint with his Dad. I have to close the door to his room so it doesn't hurt every time I see it empty. Tears flow freely and quite often. In preparation for him leaving I have gotten to enjoy his presence 8 out of 9 days and it was HEAVEN. We even got to squeeze a snow day in there yesterday :*)

It's been well over a year since I moved out of the house we all lived in- shouldn't it be hurting less by now? I know that I waited far too long to make the decision I did to end my relationship with his father and make us a "broken family"... there was really no salvaging that. But even as I know I did in my heart was was the best for Jonah I can't help but wish it had turned out differently. I have no doubt I will always be plagued by this insurmountable guilt. I remember his mom telling me one day (after The Bad October) how she would always wish her family could just be together and now I know every bit of what she meant. Seeing Jonah missing his Dad hurts me just as much as it does missing him when he's not here. I can't do anything to change it-- but now I know first hand the desire to make your child's heart whole once again and the weight of the responsibility for making such decisions.

Thankfully I know he is in good, loving hands with his father. I never have to worry about his well-being and for that I am thankful. I pray someday the blaming, finger-pointing and name calling will end so Jonah is only surrounded by positivity about either parent when he is away from them. 

Please let us raise this little boy to the very best of our separated abilities.... he deserves the very best we both have to give him.

I love you Jonah Bean. 

Grandma's bread

Jonah is 3.5 and we just celebrated Christmas. I have such a love/hate relationship with that holiday.  It seems it's never really done until it is. You can never do enough baking, shopping, decorating... the work seems to be never ending! Expectations are high and seldom met... 

But on the other hand seeing Jonah's excitement over his presents was pretty amazing. The necklace I got was something I really wanted and will always treasure... our families were so generous and all of the gatherings were just lovely.

While spending Christmas Day with the Dickey family I couldn't help but think constantly of how Christmas was at the Elliott household growing up. Every year "grandma's bread" topped the list of every grandchild. Amazing the magic a family recipe beholds.

In fact every time I experienced Grandma's bread it was while surrounded by a jovial family gathering of sorts. Christmas dinner in Lake Park with Grandma's beautiful Ruby Red table....Thanksgiving in Robbinsdale with Nick and his family... midnight toaster bread in the basement of Lila's house with Jenni and Heidi. It was nothing to consume the entire loaf in one sitting and in fact the only reason you wouldn't was because you were savoring every morsel.

It never dawned on me until Christmas this year the significance of Grandma's bread. I'm so thankful for all the memories surrounding it, and for the woman who created it all.  

I love you Grandma.

tattoos

I used to blog about yoga- oh how I loved my yoga class with Peter. It is one of the things I miss about Minnesota! I was pretty dedicated to my practice (although could never get it to it at home) and invested $80 into my manduka yoga mat... complete with a bag. The mat itself had a small fabric patch with a little frog on it~ their logo. The frog made me smile, and also reflect on the many moods and life changes I've gone through with that mat. Now that mat comes with me to the barre class that I teach and am so very proud of.

while jonah was sick the week before Easter (wasn't he sick for Easter last year...?) I googled "meaning of a frog tattoo", and here are some of the symbolic meanings of the frog:

• luck
• purity
• rebirth
• renewal
• fertility
• healing
• transitions
• dreaming
• opportunity
• intermediary
• metamorphosis
• resurrection 
• spiritual evolution

And it was decided: I must have a frog tattoo.

I stuck the little fabric patch from my mat in my wallet and carried it around until today- when I had some down time between cases and had that little frog put on my foot! I'm so decisive. I love that about me :) 

My happy little green frog. It's very symbolic to me of the many changes happening in my life. I pray all these changes are for some sort of greater good. Please let it be so. <3

Hello blog, I'm back~!

Wow it's been a long time, huh?  It's been a crazy 6+ months since I last wrote and I can sum it up for you.

1.  It turns out I don't have PCOS, so thank you for the mind f#@k Dr. Who Will Remain Nameless.  This is absolutely good news, just a bit embarrassing that I even went through all the "whoa is me" emotions over it. We are back to the unexplained fertility diagnosis which I will admit is disheartening. After a few failed attempts at IUI my anxiety is winning and I'm already ready for a break. I know God will give us another baby when the time is just right, so I do feel I'm able to let go and let Him. For now ;)

2.  My family has moved 3 times in 12 months.  We now live in our dream house and are trying to rid our lives of additional blood sucking property as quickly as possible.

3.  Jonah is still amazing.  I'm so thankful I have the blog to look back on his first year and a little remorseful that I took this hiatus. It seems he is picking up a word a day- he's up to probably 20 words by now including: baby (one of his favorites that he says each time he sees a photo of himself or any other "bebe"), more, water (wa?) banana (bana?) hot dog (which sounds a lot like his impression of cookie monster), wow, bath (ba?) open (opie?), bye, hi, please (bees)... I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

He's recently taken an interest in animal sounds- especially lambs! He has a stuffed lamb he took a liking to a few months ago who now goes by "Baa". He can imitate a cat, an elephant, a tiger, a lion, and a duck (which sounds like a lamb with tourrettes... "baa baa".

He still goes to bed with a bottle and I'm not sorry about it. OK I would like to say I'm super mom and have that in the bag, but the truth is it's not hurting him and it makes bedtime so wonderful for all involved... my incentive to change is nonexistent at the moment.

Until next time...!  I promise to get you caught up to speed :) xx

A lesson in shoveling :)  Unfortunately this winter has given us plenty of opportunities... even for Iowa!

PCOS

This is why I hated Mother Nature a few weeks ago- a new diagnosis brought a mix of emotions and really just caught me off guard. How on earth I made it through years of infertility treatments without anyone taking a gander at my ovaries to see the cysts that were permanently formed is beyond me. It makes perfect sense now why those expensive ovulation kits never worked for me- and why we needed help conceiving our little Jonah Bean. That side of the sword isn't all bad- it breaks it down to a science, right? Explained fertility seems a little more cut and dry than "unexplained fertility", which is what my chart said before.

I'm happy to say I've got just FIVE pounds to lose until I'm back to my pre-Jonah weight. I fit into my size 6's again, and I ran a 5k this past weekend! 

I'm going to be 36 in just under a month, and I think it's about time I move past this war I've been having with myself. I read an amazing article the other day: "When Your Mother Says She's Fat". What a powerful message. I'm so thankful for my healthy, beautiful body. I am blessed beyond belief. This body has ran 26.2 miles, carried and birthed a 8lb 5oz baby, fed that baby for nearly 10 months, danced at half time of the Orange Bowl (yes that is still my claim to fame), climbed mountains, the list goes on and on...I'm going to figure out this PCOS and be the healthiest version of me that I can be :)

Miss July

Meet Miss Harper Monroe~!!! :) <3 Wow what a beauty.  I love it when people I love are introduced to the love of parenthood!!!  I booked our tickets to DC just today~ we are so excited to meet this little nugget.

i love summer

It's a gorgeous Sunday in Iowa :) Our friends Matt and Anita stopped by on their way back to Colorado- gosh I hope to live there someday! In the mean time we're hoping to visit. We will find out this week when.... Dustin starts his new job!.... and we learn more about his vacation schedule. I'm SO SO excited he's finally found something to be excited about. It isn't perfect as he will have a 65 mile commute... but the pay is good and the job sounds promising.

This means Jonah will start daycare- at a facility- for the first time ever. I see tears in my near future...! After the adjustment phase I know it will benefit him. I am so thankful to have had 1:1 care for him for an entire year! I miss you Felicia!!! Our little man is toddling all over the place now. He prefers to walk over crawl, unless he's really in a hurry ;) He's been a little crabbier than usual and at the same time we're trying to nix the bottle- which isn't fun. I think he may be teething and upon receiving great motherly advice from a friend we picked up some teething tablets this morning. Just in time- as he's either cutting teeth or getting sick today :-/  Even the pool couldn't cheer him up today.  A dose of Tylenol, teething tablets, an attempt at a popsicle and a nap with water we caved and gave him a bottle of milk.  And he's finally sleeping peacefully in what appears to be a fever-free state so I'm happy we did. Meanwhile I am enjoying some great sunshine and blogging with you all while he naps.

I finished Ferrell's a few weeks ago and lost 4 lbs and 3" from my waist- not to mention the faster mile and improvements in all other categories. Yay me!  I think my metabolism is revved up so I'm trying to keep it up.... a 5k this month (eek!) with "team grabe" girls I haven't brought myself to get the before and after pics just yet, but I am ready for what's next. I signed up to run a 5k in July (the color run!) and am super pumped for that- especially after an amazing run with Dustin's stepmom today.  4 fricking miles!  Can I get a hell ya? :)

oops- the baby's up I gotta run! xx