My dad

... is one of the smartest men I know. He's witty, resourceful, and handsome- all my friends had a crush on him when I was growing up. He's also an alcoholic.

It's such an ugly word with such a negative connotation. Alcohol has caused more hurt and pain in my life than I can even comprehend- I find myself compartmentalizing it so it doesn't hurt quite so much. Sometimes it works.

Growing up my dad used to spend the little extra money my parents had on beer- to the point of us not having food in the house. We would wait in line to get government cheese-- my mom feeding it to us as we waited because we were that hungry. I vividly remember our old pickup truck- the tires were so bald (new tires cost money) we had to lay down rugs to try to prevent them from slipping on the ice during the winter months. I also vividly remember my mom leaving my dad when I was in first grade. It was the first time I saw him cry- when he visited us at the apartment we were staying in. He quit drinking then, we went back home, and thanks to AA he stayed sober for thirteen years! So the entire time I grew up we didn't have a drop of alcohol in the house. When I worked as a waitress at 18 someone ordered a gin and tonic and I had no idea what they were saying; that language was foreign to me. 

celebrating a year sober. I still remember the date: November 19th was his anniversary

I don't know what made him start again, but when he did it was fun. I was 21, and my brother was 18 and in the service. We had some of the best times as a family in San Antonio when my brother graduated from Basic Training. Then the alcohol took over, and it didn't take too long before my mom left again, this time for good after 26 years of marriage. It's not that he's a mean drunk, or that he goes out- he was really never one to spend time in bars (I don't think)- it just changed his behavior and became the center of his life really. He would start drinking some time in the afternoon, and continue on throughout the day. Pretty soon beer didn't do the trick, and he would switch to hard liquor. 

Although he's absolutely brilliant he's not one to keep a job; I think the drinking may have something to do with that too- you can't drink on the job so he was always starting a business or joining in a pyramid scheme to get rich quick. 

People always say that you have to reach the bottom before you can bounce back, and in 2007 I thought for sure we had hit the bottom. He had been living alone and been sick- but also very incapacitated and either unable or unaware to seek medical treatment. By the time he was taken into the hospital his potassium levels were dangerously low (like 2) and his B/P was 80 over palp. He was transferred to a larger hospital where he fought for his life in ICU for 10 days. Not only was he septic, but his body was in detox from being without alcohol while he was sick. Did you know you can literally DIE from alcohol withdrawal??? There was a time when the nurses were so busy administering IV meds to keep him alive they didn't really have time to chat. He was on a ventilator and unable to communicate verbally or otherwise really. 

He walked out of that ICU and lit up a cigarette- happy to be going home, convincing us he had "had enough" yet refusing treatment- outpatient or otherwise- for his drinking. Within nine months we were in the hospital again- this time he had acute pancreatitis. We tried an intervention in his hospital room in small town Iowa. He was discharged home. My brother and I tried to have him committed. I was going crazy trying to gain control of the situation- frantically acting as his social worker getting treatment lined up and signing him up for Iowa Care insurance.

It took a long time for me to realize I couldn't help him. I can't help him. Alcohol has a hold of his life and it won't let go.

I'm telling you this because maybe it's therapeutic for me. I used to talk and talk and talk about it, but it's such a negative and sad story it didn't really help to keep repeating it. I'm telling you because maybe the next time you see a drunk bum you'll think of me- and think how that bum just may have a daughter who tried desperately to save him from himself. Maybe instead of judging him (or her) you'll say a prayer instead.

In AA they teach The Serenity Prayer which I find so helpful even in my situation- as the "Adult Child of an Alcoholic". 

I know I'm not going to win this battle. I have no control. God please grant me the serenity to accept these things I cannot change. 

I love you daddy. So very much. xx