saturdays

gosh how i love saturdays. today the dogs are even feeling lazy- chopper didn't wake up and want breakfast at 5am like usual and the baby slept until 7!

Last night we went over to Dustin's cousins and played an awesome game and had a few cocktails. I said to him this morning: "last night is exactly the reason I wanted to come back... now are you happy we did?" and he is :) Friends and family folks, that's what life is all about.

Speaking of family- as two well deserving girls out east prepare for their little bundles of joy I know yet another mama patiently waiting for her turn to have a belly to rub. She opened up to me about it during a long phone conversation we had a few weeks ago. I wonder why God lets us wait...? I wish I had the answers. Some times I feel like even though I have been through a tiny bit of infertility I really don't have the right words to say. I do feel like God gave us Jonah right when we were ready for him, and that our life wouldn't be as perfect as it is right now if he had come when we were ready and waiting. I wish my sixth sense was believable...(okay please don't think I'm crazy but I swear I have a touch of ESP) I have no doubt she will have a baby of her own someday- I've had dreams! All I can do is pray for her to have peace and to embrace all the things she can do now before her world is flipped upside down for all the right reasons :)

I had a dream my sister in law was having a girl on the day she had her sex revealing ultrasound. I'm now on the other end of a couple knowing what they're having and not sharing... I want so badly to buy gender specific clothes! It is such a special time though and I totally get why they're keeping it a secret- it's the only time you have that baby all to yourselves. It's also nice to get the stuff you really need at your shower vs. a bunch of pink or blue that your guests just couldn't pass up buying. 

I finally got the invitations sent out for their shower, and due to the creative bug that bit me and caused me to doll them all up with with burlap they cost $2 each to mail! HA. It dawned on me the other day this is the first little party I've actually ever thrown for someone, so why not go all out. I'm so so so excited and hoping everything goes without a hitch. Since I'm hosting it solo I'm trying to recruit little helper bees- cousin Ashley is the queen of music... cousin Andrea is great for having "been there done that" so she has some game ideas... Aunt Karen makes cakes... Aunt Shanne is super creative and crafty so she's helping watch out for decorations... Aunt Jan is making blueberry muffins :) I started a new Pinterest board to come up with cute snack-y ideas. T minus 6 weeks!

We're also counting down until Puerto Rico~!!! A month from today we'll be enjoying some sunshine and family fun. My dad gave Jonah some Christmas money when he was here- and he also has a Target gift card from Grandma burning a hole in his pocket- all of which is going to outfit the little guy for our big trip :) So far we've gotten a few swimsuits, sunglasses, boat shoes and sandals, and my favorite purchase: a little baby fedora...! I just love Old Navy! I'll come back and post some pics; I'm having technical difficulties in that department at the moment.

Little man pulled himself to standing for the first time yesterday- Daddy told me when I got home. He is saying "mamamamamama" when he's upset- which was a lot this week unfortunately :( He had a little cold which caused for some serious sleeping issues. For the first time I actually brought my pillow and blanket into the nursery and slept on the floor while he watched his favorite movie- "Despicable Me"- on the ipad and played on the floor around me. 

Lack of sleep couldn't stop us from celebrating Valentine's the next day with dinner (at 4:30pm... HA!) and a family field trip to The NewBo City Market for cupcakes! Dustin got me a dozen roses, my favorite candy, and a sweet sweet card. Jonah surprised me by getting me a card too... I was so touched that Dustin thought to do that :))

my two handsome valentines :)

There's actually half of a French Toast cupcake calling my name right now... xx

Yes it does.

I think there's a new face every week!

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Naptime with mommy... except mommy stared at the sleeping baby rather than sleeping herself :)

Dinnertime out is becoming more of an adventure.

Monday

It's dreary and windy outside and I did not go to my 5:30 am class at the gym this morning.  So far I've had coffee, fed the little one, and bought some work clothes online :) Then I hopped over to my cousin's blog and found our pictures featured in a "best of 2012" post and had to share. Now I must quit procrastinating and get ready for my day. xx

this is what can happen when you attempt to do things you're not trained to do.  Jonah's first haircut was not traumatic for him, however, I'm wishing we would've brought him somewhere rather than try to do it ourselves~! HA.

follow up friday

Well we survived Dad's surgery!  They just took a look around his throat and removed the little thing they saw on his vocal cords. Dad came Tuesday night and proceeded to drink 11 beers (he actually left one in the 12 pack!) to try to calm his nerves. I was so proud of him as he donned his nicotine patch and smoked his electric cigarette in attempt to kick the habit for good. It really sucked seeing him so nervous before surgery- I don't think he slept a wink. Wednesday after surgery he was sore and popping hydrocodone every 1.5 hours. He didn't sleep at all that I saw, and when I woke up with Jonah at 0500 he had left for home already. He left the sweetest little note, but it still hurt to see him gone without actually saying goodbye. I spent all day yesterday with a knot in my stomach; I can't even put into words how I felt. A call from a friend put some of the hurt behind me, and today I'm determined to focus on my happy little life :) xx

My dad

... is one of the smartest men I know. He's witty, resourceful, and handsome- all my friends had a crush on him when I was growing up. He's also an alcoholic.

It's such an ugly word with such a negative connotation. Alcohol has caused more hurt and pain in my life than I can even comprehend- I find myself compartmentalizing it so it doesn't hurt quite so much. Sometimes it works.

Growing up my dad used to spend the little extra money my parents had on beer- to the point of us not having food in the house. We would wait in line to get government cheese-- my mom feeding it to us as we waited because we were that hungry. I vividly remember our old pickup truck- the tires were so bald (new tires cost money) we had to lay down rugs to try to prevent them from slipping on the ice during the winter months. I also vividly remember my mom leaving my dad when I was in first grade. It was the first time I saw him cry- when he visited us at the apartment we were staying in. He quit drinking then, we went back home, and thanks to AA he stayed sober for thirteen years! So the entire time I grew up we didn't have a drop of alcohol in the house. When I worked as a waitress at 18 someone ordered a gin and tonic and I had no idea what they were saying; that language was foreign to me. 

celebrating a year sober. I still remember the date: November 19th was his anniversary

I don't know what made him start again, but when he did it was fun. I was 21, and my brother was 18 and in the service. We had some of the best times as a family in San Antonio when my brother graduated from Basic Training. Then the alcohol took over, and it didn't take too long before my mom left again, this time for good after 26 years of marriage. It's not that he's a mean drunk, or that he goes out- he was really never one to spend time in bars (I don't think)- it just changed his behavior and became the center of his life really. He would start drinking some time in the afternoon, and continue on throughout the day. Pretty soon beer didn't do the trick, and he would switch to hard liquor. 

Although he's absolutely brilliant he's not one to keep a job; I think the drinking may have something to do with that too- you can't drink on the job so he was always starting a business or joining in a pyramid scheme to get rich quick. 

People always say that you have to reach the bottom before you can bounce back, and in 2007 I thought for sure we had hit the bottom. He had been living alone and been sick- but also very incapacitated and either unable or unaware to seek medical treatment. By the time he was taken into the hospital his potassium levels were dangerously low (like 2) and his B/P was 80 over palp. He was transferred to a larger hospital where he fought for his life in ICU for 10 days. Not only was he septic, but his body was in detox from being without alcohol while he was sick. Did you know you can literally DIE from alcohol withdrawal??? There was a time when the nurses were so busy administering IV meds to keep him alive they didn't really have time to chat. He was on a ventilator and unable to communicate verbally or otherwise really. 

He walked out of that ICU and lit up a cigarette- happy to be going home, convincing us he had "had enough" yet refusing treatment- outpatient or otherwise- for his drinking. Within nine months we were in the hospital again- this time he had acute pancreatitis. We tried an intervention in his hospital room in small town Iowa. He was discharged home. My brother and I tried to have him committed. I was going crazy trying to gain control of the situation- frantically acting as his social worker getting treatment lined up and signing him up for Iowa Care insurance.

It took a long time for me to realize I couldn't help him. I can't help him. Alcohol has a hold of his life and it won't let go.

I'm telling you this because maybe it's therapeutic for me. I used to talk and talk and talk about it, but it's such a negative and sad story it didn't really help to keep repeating it. I'm telling you because maybe the next time you see a drunk bum you'll think of me- and think how that bum just may have a daughter who tried desperately to save him from himself. Maybe instead of judging him (or her) you'll say a prayer instead.

In AA they teach The Serenity Prayer which I find so helpful even in my situation- as the "Adult Child of an Alcoholic". 

I know I'm not going to win this battle. I have no control. God please grant me the serenity to accept these things I cannot change. 

I love you daddy. So very much. xx

all about boobs

I was at my boob doctor today (yes everything is fine) and told him I was still breastfeeding- he asked me if I was wearing a sports bra to bed (how did he know that...?) I said yes. "Every night?" he asked. "Yes..." (was I not supposed to?) "Okay great. That will help your skin go back to normal. What...?!? Why is this the first time I have heard of that? I only wear a sports bra to bed b/c my boobs touch my rib cage now and it feels weird. I know my mom wore a bra that was too tight under her arm when her breasts were engorged and that left a permanent indentation on her skin (Mom I hope you don't mind other people learning from you... they're all girls... I think)

I also learned the key to surviving those first few days of breastfeeding was to apply lanolin every. single. time. you feed your baby. You'll be so fatigued it will seem like the biggest chore in the world, but it will help you get over the initial raw feeling you will experience. I also learned that lanolin is like a cure-all, so even when you don't need it it will come in handy for any little skin irritation your baby may have (thank you Felicia for that tidbit).

Lastly, if you're planning to wean your baby don't leave your pump at home. If you think your boobs hurt when you're first pregnant... or when your milk comes in... you'll be in for a whole new level of discomfort. My boobs got SO rock solid and swollen that I popped an implant. No joke! It's totally deflated on one side and that's the only thing I can think of that did it. The good news is: I'm in Iowa- where my boob doctor is- and- my boobs could do with a little less volume at the moment ;) Thank God they have a 10 year warranty on them... so when I do decide to have my mommy makeover that part of the procedure will be paid for! Yippie! In case you're left wondering what I plan to do with my lopsided self I'm going back to have the other one deflated. I'll have a matching set of normal-ish sized boobs!!! Funny how time changes our outlook on these things.

Sorry Grandma- I'm not sure you ever knew about my "girls" ;) xoxo

a baby shower!

I'm so excited that my sister in law is expecting. She's really an amazing woman- I would love it if she lived closer to us :) I'm also REALLY excited to throw her baby shower at our house. It dawned on me over the weekend how quickly it was approaching and that I best get a move on. I found the design for the invitation on Etsy and had a great experience working with the designer to get it just right. I'm thinking: mimosas, some sort of breakfast dish, fruits and coffee cake. I'm a little disappointed that our rental house has a few "glitches" that aren't worth fixing- like a half-assed paint job and the kind of cheap carpets that get stretched out causing "creases"... but all in all it's comfortable and nice and open. I'm having the carpets cleaned this week (hopefully before the midget is crawling!) and have thought of hiring a cleaning lady to help me get caught up with the big jobs like scrubbing the walls, etc. (yes, they're noticeably dirty!)

eight months

Such a happy boy in the morning :)

Our little man is eight months old today!!! His hair is getting so long it's going over his ears, so we're planning to take a family trip to get it cut this weekend :) He still just has the two teeth on the bottom, and in the crazy weeks since we moved to Iowa we managed to get him to sleep through the night! Can I get a hell-yeah~!!!

I'm really not sure how Dustin and I survived the past month without killing ourselves or each other. Honestly. I don't think I stopped to realize what we were doing at the time, but in the past month we've moved our household to a different state all while I was traveling and completely out of pocket for 3 weeks. Add two sick puppies to the mix (Chopper even had a barium swallow last week) and I'm lucky my husband hasn't packed his bags and left! One day I got a text from him that both Chopper and Jonah had puked on him already :/ He truly is a saint. Naturally I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth for being gone SO much, but knowing this move was the best thing for our family will makes all the agony worth while. And it's OVER! I'm DONE traveling!!! Can I get a Hallelujah!!! 

Eight months already!?!

Yesterday was monumental in that I disinfected my pump to hand off to Dustin's sister when she's here next month. I'm DONE. Done. Done. Done. On a flight out of Jackson, Mississippi last week I was harassed by a complete idiot of a TSA agent. The conversation went something like this:

Him: "I just don't understand why you have milk if you don't have your baby"

Me: "Um...." (seriously?) "If I had my baby I wouldn't have any milk"

Him: "I just don't understand why you have milk- where is the baby?"

Me: "Well, you see, when you breastfeed you continue to make milk even when you're not with your baby" (do I need to spell it out for him?!)

Him: "Well I guess I don't know why you wouldn't just throw it out"

Me: "Throw it out?! THROW IT OUT?!? This is like liquid gold!  You don't throw it out!"

I'm already embarrassed going through security at the airport- I have to set my milk out for all to see, then follow the security officer carrying my black bag and milk in hand while s/he test the inside of the bag. Then they place the containers of milk on a magical machine which lets them know it's not explosives or something. I guess it's just having perfect strangers around me see my bodily fluids that makes me feel vulnerable-- add a moron questioning my motives to the mix and the tears flowed freely. Not in front of the said moron unfortunately.

Me and Jonah- reunited once again at the Cedar Rapids airport this time.

The good news is I have a happy airport story to share! I was attempting to get home from St. Louis last Friday- the last day of a very long week away from home including 6 flights and 3 different cities. Due to weather moving through the flights going out of STL were delayed, and I was going to end up in Detroit for the night, not getting home until 1pm on Saturday. I sheepishly asked if I could at least get my luggage since my breast pump was in there- (that reminds me I need to fill you in on how I attempted to stop pumping by leaving my black bag at home that week- NOT a good idea. I am now the proud owner of a manual breast pump which is what was in my suitcase). The Delta agent asked me where my baby was and I replied "at home- I haven't seen him in five days". Great big crocodile tears sprung from my eyes as the reality of that statement sunk in. She immediately got on the phone with her supervisor and rebooked me on a flight through Minneapolis, getting me home just two hours later than initially planned. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 

More good news: I finally was able to get my butt out of bed and start working out in the morning this past week! I'm SO happy about that. It's such a great feeling to have that out of the way first thing rather than have it interrupt your evening. Now that I'm done with travel I have a little weekly workout schedule figured out- including a Friday night Zumba class with the Grabe girls :D I'm pretty sure my scale is broken- the damn thing has been reading the same weight since my birthday- but I tried on some of my summer clothes and things are starting to fit again so hey- I'll take what I can get ;) xx