My confession

The story I'm about to tell is one I just told for the first time about a month ago while surrounded with little women whom I deeply trust and admire. I told it because I felt it needed to be heard. My vulnerability could be the solid ground to my sweet cousin's foundation. She's enduring those torrential years known to some as "the best years of their lives".  High school. You literally couldn't pay me enough to go back to that era. 

For the past 21+ years I've been carrying this burden. Shame. The feeling that I'm somehow less worthy than anyone else surrounding me. I remember thinking to myself not long after my move to Cedar Rapids in 1999 what people would think if they "knew." Truth be told my fiancé doesn't know this story. I don't think I told my husband of 7 years.

I was a sophomore-- it was probably 1993.  I was super cute. Funny I'm sure. Not necessarily popular but not unpopular either. I dated a few guys but truth be told my dad wouldn't really let me officially date and I definitely wouldn't put out, so even the one boyfriend I adored broke up with me after a few months. I was "dating" another upper class-men... still had my v-card fully intact but was for sure curious about this sex thing. I lost my virginity to this guy I was seeing; not that I really wanted to.... I wouldn't call it rape or date rape even.... I just didn't stop it.  I remember almost just wanting to get it (my first time) over with and clearly wasn't educated enough to make a decision about who I gave it away to. So I literally just laid there. And it happened. And then I went home. I'm not sure what I expected after that, but the shit show that followed wasn't anything I could've thought up on my own.

Sheldon High was a small school with probably around 400 people max. 100 in my class. Everyone knew (or thought they knew) everything about everyone. One thing they knew for sure when I went to school that next day was that Chris Jansma took my v-card. And broke up with me. All in the same 24 hours. 

I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I didn't really have much of a support group at school. The girls you see... started this mean girl culture early into our freshman year. It all began with a letter. Somehow one girl was "chosen" to be the recipient of a letter which detailed every little thing that was "wrong" with her. Every thing every other girl "hated". The letter was then passed around until every girl in the class had signed it. I remember my letter. For some ungodly reason I saved it... as a twisted form of punishment maybe? I remember taking it out of the shoe box from under my bed and reading it from time to time... as I reminder of who I needed to be to fit in.

So now everyone in the school knew I was A. no longer a virgin and B. dumped very publicly.  Everyone looked at me funny. They were whispering. Laughing. Pointing. I felt like I had nowhere to turn. Chris certainly wouldn't talk to me. I don't remember how long after that I bought the large bottle of extra strength Tylenol and gatorade at Pamida, but I know I took every single one of the 500 pills in the bathroom stall at school one day. It was during Spanish and we had a sub. She happened to be my Mom's first cousin. I fully planned to spend the rest of the afternoon in the "green room" ... hiding out and letting the Tylenol float me away to the place where I didn't feel isolated anymore. I remember closing my eyes for a while. My ears started ringing. And then I got scared. 

I can't remember what exactly I was scared of but I think it was something as silly as not being able to dance at half time for the upcoming home game. I honestly don't even remember what season it was. 

I went to the Spanish class I was supposed to be in and told Kelly... the substitute... Mom's cousin. I don't remember much after that.

I spent a few days in the local hospital; violently throwing up the charcoal they pumped into my stomach to dull the effects of the Tylenol. People were in and out. Mom and Dad were so upset. I disappointed and scared the shit out of them. They brought me to Charter after that- an inpatient psych-type hospital. I think I was there for a few weeks. I just remember a lot of girls there with eating disorders and getting the sweetest card from my brother. I slept a lot. It felt so good to be safe and away from all the judging, bullying kids at school.

But then cheerleading tryouts were coming up- and I couldn't miss that. Mom and Dad convinced the doctors it was vital to my mental health that I make it to those tryouts and to release me early. They must've both had to work because Grandma drove all the way from Lake Park to Sioux Falls to pick me up, then dropped me off in Sheldon before returning to her own home back in Lake Park. I was just in time for the try outs. Again I didn't know what to expect when I got back to school but nothing would prepare me for what I was met with.

Do you remember the cheer: L-E-T-S-G-O... let's go, let's go? The girls there... also prepping for tryouts... made up their own version of that cheer: P-S-Y-C-H-O... psycho, Sarah. They practiced that cheer over and over with me just a few tables away. I'm not sure how I made it through that night. The worst part about it was the leader of the group... April... told her mom how I wasn't at school that day and still tried out for Cheerleading... which without a doctor's note was for sure against the rules. Clearly I had a doctor's excuse but the asshole Athletic Director and the rest of the school leadership didn't care and disqualified me anyway. 

If I thought braving school after losing my virginity was a task I had no idea what I was in for after the Tylenol ordeal. Coming out of the lunch line into the commons was a scene from my worst nightmare replayed over and over day after day. I was now known as Psycho Sarah to pretty much everyone in the school. I think I might have spent another stint in Charter because I just couldn't deal.

I remember Nate- who was a year ahead of me- passing me notes. "Don't listen to them, Sarah.  I think you're cool." I had one or two girls in my class who were my "secret friends". I promised not to tell anyone so they would be protected from the public ridicule.

Of everyone in that high school I believe Tiffany was my angel. Also a year ahead of me, and a "cool girl" in her grade, she would always invite me along with her friends. They accepted me with open arms and without question or comment. She was in my youth group and was most certainly filled to the brim with the grace of God. My junior year she talked me into working at the local nursing home with her where I began to see my own worth outside of the walls of the school and all the mean people. Tiff was (and still is) the tiniest girl you could ever imagine with a heart the size of an ox. To this day she is my lifeline; my very best friend.

I'm not sure exactly why I feel so compelled to share my story... it comes out so monotone when I type it. I guess I'm just moved so much by all the bullying surrounding me and hope I can help. A beautiful 14 year old Cedar Rapids girl escaped this world just a few weeks ago because she couldn't take the bullying. My sweet little cousin is enduring it as we speak. These minds are so pure they're not meant to process these horrendous acts of hate.

I know we can't change the bullies... but we can all be the Nate's and the Tiffany's and the secret friends of the world. For some reason God saved me from myself and left me on this earth and I just feel like I should tell someone.... maybe help someone.... if we can all just take that step to help one person who is suffering. Maybe we can make a difference.

Please help me make a difference.

Jonah goes to Maryland

This morning my Jonah bean is getting onto a plane to spend a week in Maryland! I'm so excited for him... and such a hot mess as per usual about him being gone. This time at least I was pro-active enough to have him help me pick up his toys before he left... a job that is heart wrenching to do once he is already gone for even just a weekend stint with his Dad. I have to close the door to his room so it doesn't hurt every time I see it empty. Tears flow freely and quite often. In preparation for him leaving I have gotten to enjoy his presence 8 out of 9 days and it was HEAVEN. We even got to squeeze a snow day in there yesterday :*)

It's been well over a year since I moved out of the house we all lived in- shouldn't it be hurting less by now? I know that I waited far too long to make the decision I did to end my relationship with his father and make us a "broken family"... there was really no salvaging that. But even as I know I did in my heart was was the best for Jonah I can't help but wish it had turned out differently. I have no doubt I will always be plagued by this insurmountable guilt. I remember his mom telling me one day (after The Bad October) how she would always wish her family could just be together and now I know every bit of what she meant. Seeing Jonah missing his Dad hurts me just as much as it does missing him when he's not here. I can't do anything to change it-- but now I know first hand the desire to make your child's heart whole once again and the weight of the responsibility for making such decisions.

Thankfully I know he is in good, loving hands with his father. I never have to worry about his well-being and for that I am thankful. I pray someday the blaming, finger-pointing and name calling will end so Jonah is only surrounded by positivity about either parent when he is away from them. 

Please let us raise this little boy to the very best of our separated abilities.... he deserves the very best we both have to give him.

I love you Jonah Bean. 

Grandma's bread

Jonah is 3.5 and we just celebrated Christmas. I have such a love/hate relationship with that holiday.  It seems it's never really done until it is. You can never do enough baking, shopping, decorating... the work seems to be never ending! Expectations are high and seldom met... 

But on the other hand seeing Jonah's excitement over his presents was pretty amazing. The necklace I got was something I really wanted and will always treasure... our families were so generous and all of the gatherings were just lovely.

While spending Christmas Day with the Dickey family I couldn't help but think constantly of how Christmas was at the Elliott household growing up. Every year "grandma's bread" topped the list of every grandchild. Amazing the magic a family recipe beholds.

In fact every time I experienced Grandma's bread it was while surrounded by a jovial family gathering of sorts. Christmas dinner in Lake Park with Grandma's beautiful Ruby Red table....Thanksgiving in Robbinsdale with Nick and his family... midnight toaster bread in the basement of Lila's house with Jenni and Heidi. It was nothing to consume the entire loaf in one sitting and in fact the only reason you wouldn't was because you were savoring every morsel.

It never dawned on me until Christmas this year the significance of Grandma's bread. I'm so thankful for all the memories surrounding it, and for the woman who created it all.  

I love you Grandma.

tattoos

I used to blog about yoga- oh how I loved my yoga class with Peter. It is one of the things I miss about Minnesota! I was pretty dedicated to my practice (although could never get it to it at home) and invested $80 into my manduka yoga mat... complete with a bag. The mat itself had a small fabric patch with a little frog on it~ their logo. The frog made me smile, and also reflect on the many moods and life changes I've gone through with that mat. Now that mat comes with me to the barre class that I teach and am so very proud of.

while jonah was sick the week before Easter (wasn't he sick for Easter last year...?) I googled "meaning of a frog tattoo", and here are some of the symbolic meanings of the frog:

• luck
• purity
• rebirth
• renewal
• fertility
• healing
• transitions
• dreaming
• opportunity
• intermediary
• metamorphosis
• resurrection 
• spiritual evolution

And it was decided: I must have a frog tattoo.

I stuck the little fabric patch from my mat in my wallet and carried it around until today- when I had some down time between cases and had that little frog put on my foot! I'm so decisive. I love that about me :) 

My happy little green frog. It's very symbolic to me of the many changes happening in my life. I pray all these changes are for some sort of greater good. Please let it be so. <3

Hello blog, I'm back~!

Wow it's been a long time, huh?  It's been a crazy 6+ months since I last wrote and I can sum it up for you.

1.  It turns out I don't have PCOS, so thank you for the mind f#@k Dr. Who Will Remain Nameless.  This is absolutely good news, just a bit embarrassing that I even went through all the "whoa is me" emotions over it. We are back to the unexplained fertility diagnosis which I will admit is disheartening. After a few failed attempts at IUI my anxiety is winning and I'm already ready for a break. I know God will give us another baby when the time is just right, so I do feel I'm able to let go and let Him. For now ;)

2.  My family has moved 3 times in 12 months.  We now live in our dream house and are trying to rid our lives of additional blood sucking property as quickly as possible.

3.  Jonah is still amazing.  I'm so thankful I have the blog to look back on his first year and a little remorseful that I took this hiatus. It seems he is picking up a word a day- he's up to probably 20 words by now including: baby (one of his favorites that he says each time he sees a photo of himself or any other "bebe"), more, water (wa?) banana (bana?) hot dog (which sounds a lot like his impression of cookie monster), wow, bath (ba?) open (opie?), bye, hi, please (bees)... I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

He's recently taken an interest in animal sounds- especially lambs! He has a stuffed lamb he took a liking to a few months ago who now goes by "Baa". He can imitate a cat, an elephant, a tiger, a lion, and a duck (which sounds like a lamb with tourrettes... "baa baa".

He still goes to bed with a bottle and I'm not sorry about it. OK I would like to say I'm super mom and have that in the bag, but the truth is it's not hurting him and it makes bedtime so wonderful for all involved... my incentive to change is nonexistent at the moment.

Until next time...!  I promise to get you caught up to speed :) xx

A lesson in shoveling :)  Unfortunately this winter has given us plenty of opportunities... even for Iowa!

PCOS

This is why I hated Mother Nature a few weeks ago- a new diagnosis brought a mix of emotions and really just caught me off guard. How on earth I made it through years of infertility treatments without anyone taking a gander at my ovaries to see the cysts that were permanently formed is beyond me. It makes perfect sense now why those expensive ovulation kits never worked for me- and why we needed help conceiving our little Jonah Bean. That side of the sword isn't all bad- it breaks it down to a science, right? Explained fertility seems a little more cut and dry than "unexplained fertility", which is what my chart said before.

I'm happy to say I've got just FIVE pounds to lose until I'm back to my pre-Jonah weight. I fit into my size 6's again, and I ran a 5k this past weekend! 

I'm going to be 36 in just under a month, and I think it's about time I move past this war I've been having with myself. I read an amazing article the other day: "When Your Mother Says She's Fat". What a powerful message. I'm so thankful for my healthy, beautiful body. I am blessed beyond belief. This body has ran 26.2 miles, carried and birthed a 8lb 5oz baby, fed that baby for nearly 10 months, danced at half time of the Orange Bowl (yes that is still my claim to fame), climbed mountains, the list goes on and on...I'm going to figure out this PCOS and be the healthiest version of me that I can be :)

Miss July

Meet Miss Harper Monroe~!!! :) <3 Wow what a beauty.  I love it when people I love are introduced to the love of parenthood!!!  I booked our tickets to DC just today~ we are so excited to meet this little nugget.

i love summer

It's a gorgeous Sunday in Iowa :) Our friends Matt and Anita stopped by on their way back to Colorado- gosh I hope to live there someday! In the mean time we're hoping to visit. We will find out this week when.... Dustin starts his new job!.... and we learn more about his vacation schedule. I'm SO SO excited he's finally found something to be excited about. It isn't perfect as he will have a 65 mile commute... but the pay is good and the job sounds promising.

This means Jonah will start daycare- at a facility- for the first time ever. I see tears in my near future...! After the adjustment phase I know it will benefit him. I am so thankful to have had 1:1 care for him for an entire year! I miss you Felicia!!! Our little man is toddling all over the place now. He prefers to walk over crawl, unless he's really in a hurry ;) He's been a little crabbier than usual and at the same time we're trying to nix the bottle- which isn't fun. I think he may be teething and upon receiving great motherly advice from a friend we picked up some teething tablets this morning. Just in time- as he's either cutting teeth or getting sick today :-/  Even the pool couldn't cheer him up today.  A dose of Tylenol, teething tablets, an attempt at a popsicle and a nap with water we caved and gave him a bottle of milk.  And he's finally sleeping peacefully in what appears to be a fever-free state so I'm happy we did. Meanwhile I am enjoying some great sunshine and blogging with you all while he naps.

I finished Ferrell's a few weeks ago and lost 4 lbs and 3" from my waist- not to mention the faster mile and improvements in all other categories. Yay me!  I think my metabolism is revved up so I'm trying to keep it up.... a 5k this month (eek!) with "team grabe" girls I haven't brought myself to get the before and after pics just yet, but I am ready for what's next. I signed up to run a 5k in July (the color run!) and am super pumped for that- especially after an amazing run with Dustin's stepmom today.  4 fricking miles!  Can I get a hell ya? :)

oops- the baby's up I gotta run! xx

i hate you Mother Nature

And that is all for now.

Jonah's first birthday :)

back in the game

Okay I think I'm done being so dramatic for the time being ;) Even though it rained for THREE SOLID DAYS over the holiday weekend it ended up being a great time after all. Moments after I published my last little sob story I got Facebook notifications from those friends I had been so busy pouting over. We had a lovely evening with one of the couples we're closest to, dinner with another and I got SO MUCH stuff done for Jonah's party.

Most importantly this weekend Jonah took his first few steps! What a magical moment that was- first he took just one step towards me from Daddy; then about three!!! I'm so thankful for that memory.

I'm actually looking forward to my boss riding with me this week and think I have some solid meetings set up for us. It's one of those things I dread up until the time comes and then it ends up being a good thing.

AND I'm planning to get my LLC filed with the state this week so I can unveil the little fitness business I've been working on. Remember me desiring that healthy obsession with food/fitness just a few months ago? Thanks to the kickboxing routine I've got a handle on my diet for probably the first time in my life, and now I'm obsessing over this group fitness idea- I am literally bursting at the seams with excitement. Here's hoping someone comes through with some space for me to use so this thing can actually get off the ground! xx

Left out

Man- I hate to be the Debbie Downer but this holiday weekend is not exactly what I had anticipated. I'm sitting at home on a Saturday night par-oozing the internet and feeling sorry for myself~ just what you want to hear about, right?

Did I make the right decision in moving us here...?! I'm so haunted by this thought.

The fact that my boss is riding with me next week (spending 3 days doing everything that I do, with me) is lingering over me like a black cloud. He's a great guy; it's a great company. I just know there's something about this sales gig that is NOT me. I've started to refer to it as the golden handcuffs.

I wonder if this is something I'll just always feel...? Am I just someone who can't be happy...?! If you look at my resume I've switched jobs about every 3 years. When I was in nursing that was something that was frowned upon, but even in my first interview with Johnson & Johnson they took one look at that and laughed, saying it looked like the resume of a sales rep. I thought for sure I had found my niche. The fact that it was a pay increase (nurses are SEVERELY underpaid in Iowa) and included benefits such as a pension, paid cell phone plan and company car seemed like a dream come true.

That job is what moved Dustin and I out of Cedar Rapids to begin with back in 2009. That in and of itself was a huge undertaking- being married to someone who is nearly deathly allergic to change. We never did sell the home we moved out of and it's been a rental property ever since. Now it's my job (or my decision to take a new job) that moved us back here, which is once again a huge upset to our little fruit basket. As it stands today we now have a house in MN to sell and Dustin still looking for a job. What the eff ewe see kay am I doing...?!? Who let this girl be in charge? Is there any way I can pass the baton?

I know this roller coaster is on its way back up. My beautiful baby boy is about to have a birthday party- that I will pull together if it kills me. My ride along with my boss will go just fine. We'll sell our house in MN and Dustin will be working soon. Hopefully my feelings of suffocation regarding my job will pass with the rest of the stress and the icing on the cake would be a new little munchkin on the way :) 

As turned off as I've been by religion lately I think it's time to get back in touch with my spiritual side. xx

*almost* one~!

I haven't blogged for a while again and to be honest I'm not in the best of blogging mindsets at the moment. I think the toll of all the stresses of our move came crashing down on me today. I *literally* went home mid morning absolutely sobbing- I put Jonah down for a nap and then took one myself. Kickboxing helped my mood a little but I am still in the dumps. I can't bring myself to clean, work on Jonah's birthday party planning or my little workout deal I mentioned in my last post. The thought of my boss riding with me next week and everything I need to do to get ready for that is beyond overwhelming. Blogging it is.

So this past weekend we drove to NW Iowa to have a little party with my dad, my Aunt and brother's family! It was a quick trip but super fun. We had a pizza party and the staff members even sang happy birthday to Jonah... to which he cried :) Then Dustin, Jonah and I headed to Lake Okoboji for some family fun- we strolled around the lake and took it all in. I just love summer in Iowa. After that my cousin Jenni and her husband Kyle met up with us to do Jonah's cake smash photo shoot...!  I'm dying to see those photos- she does such an amazing job and he's such an amazing subject. Then we headed back to my brother's for some good food and a movie.

Jonah is ready to walk any day- he can stand unassisted for quite some time and is walking along furniture like a pro. We're never quite sure when he's breaking teeth- the kid is a drooling monster...! He did finally get his top two in and looks so grown up with his toothy smile. He hasn't really picked up any more words, but his little language is amazing to listen to nonetheless. He does this thing when he's tired- it sounds something like: "gong gong gong" but it's really long and drawn out and he says it so loud!

Here are some photos from the weekend- minus the cake smash of course. We will have to be patient for that one ;)

I'm going to have a beer and force myself to look at my work computer for a while. Let's hope for a better day tomorrow. xx

man I wish I would've seen the smudge before I took the picture!

May Day

Holy crap it's May Day already! Today is my brother and sister in law's wedding anniversary; I can't believe it's been nine years since their beautiful day. Time flies.

Tomorrow Jonah will be eleven months old. He's walking along furniture, finally is sprouting his top two teeth, and his personality grows along with the rest of him every day. He is truly a little boy now. He actually weaned himself off of the pacifier about a month ago- if you give it to him he'll just hand it back to you! He's also pretty much over baby food and would rather pick "real people food" off of his high chair tray. He has enjoyed every kind of meat we've given him and LOVES pickles. He is also still obsessed with straws. Every night after my Ferrell's workout he helps me drink my protein shake through a straw :)

His first birthday is literally just around the corner, and the invitations are OUT! I had another great experience with Etsy, using a different company this time. The design cost just $10, and printing was a breeze by using our local Costco- we paid just $14.99 for 50 invites and envelopes...! Perfect! I'm working on the menu and decorations and hoping for perfect weather that day.

I am officially in my fourth week of the "extreme bodyshaping" experience and am happy to report it's going pretty well. I've got the eating down to a science and feel like I'm eating to fuel my body rather than eating to taste the food. I've noticed how different foods make me feel not so great and for sure am aware of when I "cheat". A healthy obsession in the making! I've decided coffee is one of those things I'm not going to give up and throughly enjoy my one (or two) cups in the morning and an occasional afternoon pick-me-up. I am still trying to stay away from all soda. The great thing is when I do break down and have one it certainly doesn't taste as good as it used to. Surprisingly enough staying away from sweets hasn't been hard at all. It helps to have one day a week declared a "cheat day" so I can have that ice cream or cupcake that I've been craving.

I can feel myself improving in class as my fitness level rises, and am starting to feel more comfortable in my skin, although the stupid scale hasn't moved much. We went to Minneapolis last weekend and I was able to hit up a pilates class with my friend Robyn (she is an instructor at Lifetime and her studio is amazing!) Sunday rather than taking the day off I attended a free class offered at the local Lululemon and was bitten by a fitness industry bug.

I'm not going to go into details, but I've started a little venture and am working on establishing my own business here in Cedar Rapids...!  I'm the kind of excited that you wake up in the middle of the night happy to be awake so you can daydream about it :) I'm not planning to quit my job or anything, but am interested in helping others reach their goals without beating the crap out of their bodies OR minds. Right now my goal is to open my doors on September 11. Do you think that's a bad idea? I thought it would be kinda nice to honor our lady America that day.

Project: Hot Mom

Yesterday started day 1 of my new program, which includes eating right and a killer kickboxing/strength routine 6 days a week. I can honestly say I've never been so excited about a fitness routine and am already addicted. I think it taps into my desire to take control of this aspect of my life. 

I pride myself in the fact that I've never been a yo-yo dieter. Actually the only diet I ever recall being on was the no bread, no beer, no pasta routine about a month before my first wedding. 

It's sad I can't really display these pictures anywhere- I love this shot of me, my mom and Aunt Lila. It was literally 100 degrees outside and I was trying to air things out a bit ;)

Now that I say that I remember my journey with food and it all went downhill about that time. Before that I didn't put much thought into what I ate. My roommate at the time- Rachel- was a health NUT, so I did pick up some of her tips in terms of working out, but I just didn't care about nutrition. I had just broken up with my college sweetheart, so naturally lost 10 lbs and people were telling me NOT to lose any more weight. Imagine that!

Thanksgiving 2003

Then I met my first husband, who was also a work out nut. I remember coming home from the bars one night- hungry- and making fried egg sandwiches with real butter. He said "I cannot believe you eat that shit!" I took that as a challenge and began an awful cycle of working out too much and not eating enough, hoping to hear from him that I needed to eat more. You can roll your eyes; it's even humiliating to type that.

I began travel nursing, and moved out to Delaware, living alone and working out twice a day- running in the morning than a full workout after work. I would eat lettuce with tuna for lunch and peanut butter for dinner. 

Then my Grandma Shaffer died. That sent me into a downward spiral... I remember leaving the gym early the day I got the news and going to the mall, wandering around aimlessly feeling so sad and lonely. By the time the mall closed I was so hungry I ordered a big plate of fried rice from Panda Express and ate the. whole. thing. To make matters worse I bummed a cigarette off of a perfect stranger on my way out...! By the time I got back to my apartment the guilt had taken over, and for the very first time I made myself throw up everything I had just eaten. Instead of feeling ashamed or embarrassed I felt... liberated...?! I could eat absolutely anything I wanted and just get rid of it... genius!

I won't bore you with all the details, but I will tell you that went on for about 5 years, after I had been married and divorced and got into a relationship with someone who truly cared for my well being- my husband Dustin :)

He wasn't harsh or judgmental, he just did not want me to do that to myself, and asked me to stop. And I did.

Although I haven't done "that" since before we married over 5 years ago, I haven't really had a healthy relationship with food either. The good news is that I haven't been obsessed over everything I put into my body, but the bad news is I haven't been obsessed over everything I put into my body ;) 

SO after putting on 10 extra lbs during my pregnancy and feeling icky in my own skin- not to mention the entire wardrobe in a size smaller that I can't fit into at the moment- I'm ready to obsess in the healthiest way possible.

Paleo is a great concept, but as my sister in law the nutritionist said "it's just not sustainable". The last thing I want to do is start something that isn't reasonable to continue forever. I don't enjoy cooking as-is; if I'm going to cook it better be something everyone can eat. I need a "real food" diet.

The nutrition portion of the Ferrell's program is so simple: eat 6 small meals a day which include a protein and a carb, lots of water, and unlimited veggies. I've got a log book to write down my meals, and I have a coach who helps to keep me accountable. Apparently it takes longer for women's metabolism to kick start (go figure) so it's a bit of a stretch but my 5 week goal is to lose 2% body fat. I started the diet yesterday, and can say I didn't feel hungry at ALL all day. My challenge is going to be staying away from caffeine (you're not supposed to have ANY!) and drinking enough water (80 oz/day). 

The kickboxing starts tonight. Here goes everything I've got! xx

 

long time no blog...

Wow what a whirlwind this past month has been. I'm behind on pretty much everything: correspondence, bills, blogging...

The good news is Megan and Andy's shower went without a hitch. It was so perfect! Aunt Shanne and I texted photos back and forth for weeks beforehand, and everything we had went together perfectly. The food was great. The flowers Uncle Todd and Leslee brought couldn't have set it off any better. I think everyone had a great time.

Grandma Shipman and Grandma Grabe

Leslee and Todd

The guests of honor

Jonah wasn't feeling the greatest :(

A group of Grabe girls

Thank you Pinterest for all the great ideas!

The food was great!

another Pinterest project....

Ashley found this great idea: "Thank Ewe for touching Megan and Andy's life, now you can touch their baby"!

it was crowded, but cozy

A guessing game.

Our house hasn't fully recovered yet, but I'm not overly concerned. I sure enjoyed every bit of the flowers sticking around after the company was gone :) Unfortunately Jonah was coming down with some awful upper respiratory infection and was so sick for his first Easter :( He was sick enough that we didn't even take him to Grandma's and instead took turns staying home with him.

This past week Jonah turned 10 months old, and my Dad was here for 2 nights for another minor surgery to get all the margins of the pre-cancerous cells. I did NOT freak out this time like I did before thank goodness. I think I got out all of my emotions for an entire year in that post not too long ago.

I took this month's photos in his jammies because they're so stinking cute. He still is just sporting the two bottom teeth, which the pediatrician says is nothing to worry about. He went from crawling everywhere as fast as a little spider to standing up every chance he can get! Last night he had a great time pulling everything off of the bottom two shelves of the bookcase in his room :) He'll be walking in no time. He's still a skinny little runt, weighing in the 9% and still long in the 75% for his age. 

He still loves music and will stop anything he's doing if he hears a song or someone sings to him. He loves puppets- whether on a Baby Einstein movie or in person. He doesn't have the attention span for his jumper or to watch anything on TV anymore; he has got more important things to do! ;)

He's developing his own little appetite which is challenging to figure out at times- especially since we really want him to eat up! He loves chicken, peanut butter and bread, but he's pretty much over any form of baby food that doesn't come in a squeeze pack. He also "ET's" everything, including the opening to the squeeze packs. He sticks his pointer finger in the hole every time to be sure it's patent :D

He's also recently discovered his man parts, which makes bath time pretty entertaining as it goes a little something like this: Splash, splash, wiener check, splash, splash, wiener check. It also makes changing his diaper a little easier; instead of attempting to escape to find something more interesting he spreads his legs and looks for whatever it is down there that feels funny ;) Who knew having a boy could be so fun?!

Speaking of having a boy... I got to be a part of my best friend's gender revealing party on Friday and they are having another BOY!!! I'm so excited for her and so excited for whenever our #2 joins us. 

Alright that's all I have time for today, but I have so much more on my list of blogs I want to write. Look for my battle of the bulge post (I'm starting the Ferrell's program tomorrow...gulP!) and also a post on what I deem to be the necessities of having a newborn. xx

 

~PuErTo RiCo~I

I had so much fun shopping for hats for this little guy :) 

I hate all photos of myself; especially in swimsuits! I'm looking at this as a "before" shot...

Papa and Jonah meeting the ocean for the first time :)

My handsome men

he LOVED the pool :)

A great purchase from Amazon... a travel high chair!

the view from our condo

the streets of Old San Juan

Hiking the rainforest. LOVE my Ergo carrier!

dipping our feet in the water from the waterfall

pictures never do justice

Old San Juan. This was actually my least favorite day of them all...

He's smiling because he just pooped in the sink! HAHAHA thank God for garbage disposals :)

A sandbox is on his birthday wish list :)

Nap time at the beach

my favorite photo.  Yes I am in swimwear.

Pina coladas taste so much better here

Luquillo Beach